Its my second year with having a boat and sailing mostly singlehand. This post is about one of the most crucial experience sailing singlehand. At the best and worst of the scale, it’s life experiences worth gold; stories and moment that are worth telling. When it’s your first, you remember it more clearly and I can remember the good ones perfectly and would love to share them. The bad one’s are still imprinted in my mind like a fresh tattoo on skin; but it’s not really the ones you share, right… I think that is a shame. It is what grows us as sailors and humans. Especially the ones where the boat doesn’t break, but actually the crew does, the captain…me.

The story – The singlehand breakdown

We are in Denmark, in Roskilde Fjord, which measures roughly 22 nm from north to south. It’s waters are protected very well from land, making the wet part very narrow; sheltered from growing waves. A perfect place to make a relaxed and “cozy” race. Me and my girlfriend teamed up.

We started in 7:30 am in the morning, making our way to the starting mark, we crossed and off we went. It wasn’t like a traditional race start, we were one boat at a time crossing. But nevertheless it was a race and I trimmed the boat to the best of my skills; and we actually had good times doing that. Making the old heavy girl match the lighter-weights.

Fast forwarding; the day offered everything from low wind speeds to more then enough, high scorching sun, clouds, rain, heavy heel and so on. A lot of experiences throughout the day.

At 9 pm. I started to feel weird; numb but still very focused. We were waiting for a bridge to open and 4 other boats were circling back and forth in the meantime. A heavy shower came over us and water poured down, the cockpit was filling with water, the mainsails was reefed and the excess cloth created a big pool of water hanging from below the boom.

Then it struck, just the sense of overwhelming anger and sadness at the same time. There was no big damage or situation going on, but everything just seemed too much.

My girlfriend could sense something was really wrong with me and took the helm and I sat down with the feeling of crying. I wasn’t going to cry here, in front of her…but damn I was close.

We got through the bridge and succeeded the leg of the race; but I was still weird and me and my girlfriend started to argue about pointless things; I was attacking her like a wounded dog. Entering harbor I could finally relax and calm down. Get something to eat! Realizing that I actually didn’t eat correctly through out the day. There had been no proper lunch or dinner.; just quick and snack kinda food. I had also been “on” with my mind non stop for 14 hours! Mind that my girlfriend is not an experienced sailor, so it was all on me, and next to minding the boat, I also had to mind her and make sure she had a good time.

After docking; I broke and was hit with rage and sadness all at the same time; with no logic to it at all. Sad and depressing thoughts was turning around my head like young kids with a football; only to be taken over with kids from team anger. I was mentally tired, I knew that, but my mind would not stop and just kept racing! Faster and faster and crueller.

I spent the entire night dreaming dreams that best described didn’t seem like my own and scared my so much that I woke. If you ever tried a large caffeine + alcohol overdose at the same time…it’s was like that. Dreams and thoughts that wasn’t saying goods things about myself and in retrospect didn’t have any grounds at all; but that doesn’t matter in the situation; you are just a tired passenger on a psycho ride, more subjected to believing then questioning what you are being shown,

The next morning; we had docked outside a boat from the race and I knew that they would have to leave around 8:30 am. I knew I was not going to continue with the state I was in. Talking to the neighbor confirmed that. In Danish humor you can be very direct as long as it followed by a smile. “You look like a corpse that was just brought back”. I looked like shit and I felt that way to. My mind was like a robot, logic was all that was left, logic that properly didn’t seem logic at all. Humor and personality had left the building. Hidden somewhere inside to restore strength and sleep.

My girlfirend was good; she could see that I was just a shell left. I needed rest, good food and to talk everything over. We spend the day docked, watching movies, going for a walk and have good food.

I felt better the following day.

Reflecting upon it

I was choked to what happened and actually genuinely scared of what happened inside me, my thought and my reactions. I posted it on a single hand community and found it that I wasn’t a freak! It was similar to a mild panic attack and not to distant for other solo sailors; I had gone to the edge of my mental capabilities without realizing it. I had pushed my body to a point where it didn’t have enough fuel left and properly just flooded my system with Adrenalin and other emergency fluids.

Going the mental distance is something solo sailors do a lot. I can recommend diving into this book.Thoughts, Tips, Techniques & Tactics For Singlehanded Sailing

whether you are sailing alone or with someone. The mental and psychical challenges that sailors face are not to be underestimated. Rather I believe we should celebrate the spirit of the humans that sail, and the further, tougher and longer they sail, the bigger reason for celebration. Should you meet one that sails alone; then buy him a drink and listen to his stories. He or she is bound to have some, and to be a character themselves.

Reflecting and putting the experience into god/bad perspective I find that I have a hard time to seperate. I would have liked to continue the race, but I could think of no better time to reach this breaking point then now. I had my girlfriend by my side, a tough boat and a harbor nearby. This was a human experience and definitely something I can grow immensely from. It is as shaded in good and bad as the clouds on the skies we sail under. Rather I would celebrate that I had this experience; now I am a bit closer what it means to be human and what the human spirit can pull off. I am one more experience richer in my life, one more story to tell, one step closer to my partner and, and one more trust point for the boat…I am immensely grateful.

Getting back on the horse

It happened saturday, I rested sunday, I was nervous monday. My girl had left sunday everning to go back to working life, I still had some days off. I was anxious about sailing. There was that bubble in the stomach that was nervous about setting sail and if I would panic again. I needed to get back on the horse sort of speak. To face the memory and cover it with a good one.

A little ahead of the sunrise I set out of Frederikværk, Denmark and headed for Aarhus. A trip roughly 65 nm. After 2 hours of motoring with the mainsail for stabiliser; I set the headsail and turned of the engine. Turned the old girl to an upwind heading and covered the 65 nm in 13,5 hours going upwind the entire way. Singlehand.

Keeping an eye on my body and mind and taking great care to mind it so it wouldn’t break. Getting plenty of fluids, calories and proper food. The boat performed perfect and I got to set my own record straight. I can do this singlehand, but know I know what happens if you don’t respect your body and mind. I am reminded of a qoute: “The first thing you’ll find on the ocean is yourself”

Resources

I’ve added 2 resources that I have found quite useful in my situation.

A must read book for sailors. A book that doesn’t talk about the exotic part of sailing and living a dream, but brings you back to true nature of what it means to be “out-there”

Thoughts, Tips, Techniques & Tactics For Singlehanded Sailing

How to sail around the world alone and not go mad